a prayer

Last night I was praying. I don't believe in God, but I do believe in spirits. I believe that dead people are watching us. I wasn't praying for forgiveness or for help; I was lost. I lost track of time, life and I lost myself. I felt so close to those spirits that it made me scared. Still, I wanted them to hear me.

Dear Spirits,

Sorry for my late call. Do you even sleep? Or did you see how I didn't sleep the last few days? I wanted to thank you for your energy, I couldn't make it without you. But I feel so lost, I feel like I don't deserve your help. I feel so close to you and I'm not so sure, if there's a way back to life. There are so many things to live for, but I don't see any reason to do them. Why would I eat, if it makes me sick? Why would I love, if I'll only break my heart? What is left in the world that's worth fighting for?

Do you remember when I asked you what to do because I was confused? You gave me low bloodpressure to show me that I should take it slow and enjoy the here and now. But now it feels like I don't even have a heart. Maybe there are things to enjoy, but I feel nothing. I feel empty.

You got me over this once, by giving me a purpose in life. But I can't see the light anymore. I see you so clear, it almost seems real. Why would I stay, if I can also be with you? To show them how strong I am? They don't care, they expect. They expect me to be okay, to listen, to help, but not feel. I'm tired of being this. 

Please, give me a sign... I'm lost.

The next day I made it till the sixth period at school, then I ran out of the building. I totally forgot that I put some make-up on in the morning, just to cover my swollen eyes, so I was already sitting in the train, when I noticed that I looked really bad. My face was covered in black stripes of mascara. I didn't have enough time to clean my face. A group came to sit by me and when I realized that I was sitting there with three guys, I got new tears in my eyes. One of them asked me if everything was okay. Since I was so worn out, I just told them my break-up story. When I finished, the guy sitting next to me gave me a tissue and said:

'You are really pretty and cute. I think he was stupid to leave you. He lost a little star. Don't give up girl, you'll find someone else. Someone who will care about you. I'm sure.' 

It was time for me to get out of the train, so there I went... Only when I was outside, I realized what he actually said. And then I smiled. The Spirits didn't leave me alone, they just gave me a sign! My prince will come one day, on his white horse. I just need to take life one day at a time. And maybe say something if someone tells me that I'm pretty..